By Amanda Fox
In social media, it matters who you are connected to. In social media, we tend to think in terms of numbers. How many likes and retweets or plusses we can get. What are the traffic numbers on our sites? We analyze the numbers within an inch of insanity. We even do it when it comes to how many followers, friends or connections we have. The thing is, we don’t tend to analyze the people that make up those numbers too closely.
Let’s be clear – I know some people in socmed that can tell you all about the demographics of their followers all the way down to the median level of education – but when it comes to who the individuals are – they’d struggle to be able to really tell you about all but the biggest names they are connected to usually. This is a problem. I know a lot of phenomenal people in socmed that would bend over backwards to help you. There are some that are bad and some that are despicable. That’s a reality in any massive community. It’s unavoidable that bad apples will be present.
The people we choose to connect to matters. Whenever we make someone a friend, it is an endorsement. It is making the conscious decision to push a button and basically say “I choose to align myself with this person.” A part of the problem in social media circles is that we often don’t really take a look at who that person is. We may look at the raw numbers and say “this person has 1,500 friends and we have 300 mutual friends, they are probably okay” and go off nothing more than that. Why? We’re thinking in terms of numbers.
Let’s pretend for a second you are throwing a party. You have a few hundred people in attendance. You have twenty people outside knocking at your door that want to join in. You don’t really know them, but someone else says one guy is okay. So you let him in and he vouches for several more waiting outside and they vouch for the rest and before you know it – 20 people you don’t know are in YOUR HOME.
Would you invite a stalker into your home?
One of those guys starts getting out of control a little and making others uncomfortable. You’re about to toss him until someone reminds you he’s a star quarterback a county over and a good guy to be “in” with, so you let him stay even though people you know that were already there are skiddish. Then, someone reminds you that someone you invited, who hasn’t arrived yet, is a registered sex offender and maybe another had emotionally abused/manipulated a friend of yours at the party. What if one of them even stalked one or more of your guests? Would you still invite them in or rescind that offer? The vast majority of decent people would rescind the offer. What kind of person would choose to accommodate an abusive person at the expense of their victim?
Now let’s look at it this way. Suppose, for a second, your Facebook friends represent a party. A social media party. Are you paying the same attention to who you invite in? If you know, 100% know, you have someone in your circles that did incredibly awful things to another person you have at your FB party, are you going to send that person home who was horrible to other partygoers, or are you going to say it doesn’t concern you and is a separate issue and party on?
Here’s the harsh reality of it. Because inviting someone into your virtual home is far different from your physical home, far too many people take the stance that whatever someone did somewhere else is not their concern. They don’t look at associating to individual people as a friend or social circle member as being an endorsement of that person, but merely some sort of undefined virtual connection.
Are you endorsing hate speech by endorsing those who use it?
I even have people that are very good friends who still chum around with and stay connected to people that did horrible things to me that went beyond online damage, but they often stay connected because the horrible thing didn’t happen to them or because a connection is a connection or whatever lame reason they have. They say “it isn’t endorsing their behavior, just that, well . . . ya know . . . they’re okay to me”, even if they are terrible to other people. Make any excuse you want, but when we knowingly align ourselves with people we know are intentionally hurting our friends, or anyone really, we are no different than they are. In some ways, it’s even even worse. It’s saying the victim, basic human decency and your own reputation (because you choose to associate with known abusers) matters less than keeping those social numbers up.
Listen . . . we aren’t saying you have to run a full BCI check on everyone you connect to. What we are saying, however, is put some thought into who you associate yourself to instead of thinking in terms of people as numbers. If you wouldn’t talk to someone for a few minutes if you met on them on the street, why would you associate yourself to them online? If it’s just because they might do something for you, you’re doing it wrong. If it’s just to get along, go along because everyone else is doing it – you’re doing it wrong. If it’s just because you want to pretend no one ever does bad things, you need to grow up.
Furthermore, when you know someone you are associated to online is doing some awful things to people whether it be playing emotional games with them, spreading horrible rumors, bullying or whatever it is, step back and ask yourself these questions:
- If they treated me or one of my family members like this – would I still call them a friend?
- If I saw someone acting like this IRL at a party, restaurant or wherever – would I sit down next to them and act like nothing was wrong?
If you answered no to those questions, then why in the world would you tolerate it online? Why would you knowingly sit down at the virtual table with this person and allow your face and name to show up on their walls, feeds or whatever as someone that is a FRIEND of this person? Think about it and then think about who you are endorsing by being their “friend”, what they stand for, how they treat people and whether or not you want to be party to that.
Comments
Powered by Facebook Comments
I do drop connections whose views/statements are offensive
Just as people have been plain rattlesnake mean with me, I am sure that I have passed the venom right on down the line. I am not speaking about sexual abuse or stalking but just everyday meanness. If we ostracize everybody that hurts us or our friends along the way, then we will just end up as a bunch of islands.
This article seems personal in that it reads as if it is a situation that is happening right now. I hope you get it figured out. I’ve never had much luck with it myself.
It’s nothing personal aside from stating it has happened to me in the past where a connection has gone well beyond the line of being worth having. It’s not about saying someone ticked you off with an opposing opinion or you argue with with them but there is no malice and you block them. It’s about at what point do you say a connection isn’t worth having? It’s about asking yourself if you would remain tied to a person that, for instance, advocated racial supremacy because they shared your content to a lot of followers. Or maybe, would you keep a connection even if you knew they were intentionally damaging someone’s reputation just because they didn’t do it to you or someone very close to you like a family member. That’s what we mean when we ask if you wouldn’t associate with them offline, why would you online.
Wonderful article, Amanda. I’ve been cyber-bullied by a person since I helped her last summer, only to discover that she was using me for her own gain; it has been very painful when I see people that I know IRL look the other way, simply to keep their follows or reach or crowdfunding campaigns up. I don’t tolerate people who hurt my friends; I don’t understand the cowardice in those that do. Thank you for putting this out there.
I have had an instance where a person whom I had allowed on FB as a friend had displayed none of the nasty personality, all was well until one day out the blue he open a chat and proportioned me to a sexually act, of course I immediatedly declined and informed him that I had no interest in such things and that I am married, what shocked me further is than he asked me to lend him my wife. I got very annoyed and told him to stop as we are not into such things and it was most rude of him to suggest such a thing as in no time what so ever had we displayed or suggested such acts, he turn around and started to be verbally abusive. I told him to behave failing which I would report him..needless to say he continued to be abusive. I immediatedly reported him and unfriend him… From that day onwards I have been cautious and would consider before allowing any one new…The Internet and social media is fun but not without its dangers…if you know yourself and what you want than you discern on what your parameters would be… One must be responsible to know and than One would need to know where the line is…Stay Safe and have fun but be cautious
Absolutely to a certain point. If they would start posting things that I find cruel and offensive, I wouldn’t even think twice about it.
Social media has evolved over the years more into a business than being actually social. I do get your point…but most people are here because they think they can have something out of this whole game.
But at the same time, we need to realize that there are plenty of people who use social media for just connecting with friends and relatives. The problem is, when we are in this business, we tend to look at only one side of the story. I think there are still a good number of people who are not affected by the same problem we marketers do.
I definitely agree that social media has gone well beyond what most of us remember it as in the early days (not to date either of us too badly lol) but what we are seeing from the input I got when doing this, is that even among the sect that is “strictly business” there is a more than passing problem with it still. Thanks for the input!
Very Nice article, This does state the ground reality that is happening. I often do not like entertaining people who start interfering/posting harsh and insensible comments.
Thanks Amanda for such a nice article. Its amazing how social media has evolved in last few years. But its a matter of regret that time to time we encounter some people on social media who don’t even act social. I always try to avoid those who posts cruel / offensive materials and those who posts harsh comments.
I block those views/statements are offensive
I have made many great friends / contacts / followers via social media – people I wouldn’t have otherwise met, I don’t really see a downside than it can happen equally IRL that a friend brings a friend along what means trouble – in social media you can cut them out with the push of a button, irl not
What we’re getting at is yes we can cut people out with the push of button – that is well known – but why so often is that not the case even when we know beyond a shadow of a doubt an individual is problematic – ie; a history of stalking, bullying, inflammatory/hurtful behavior, emotional abuse etc.. ? Particularly in social media circles. The lines are different for everyone, we’re trying to find out where the median is so to speak. Thanks for your input!
Amanda your post asks a tough question. I guess for me the line that I work with is between annoying and hurtful. I have online relationships with a number of folks that I would never associate with IRL. I can mute & manage my online interaction in ways that are much more difficult in person with those. They can be entertaining in limited doses.
I am a bit uncomfortable with a friend of mine attempting to determine the relationship that I should have with another. That part of your post leaves me anxious. I am up for listening to a third parties concerns, but I think I have to rely on my own judgement.
I wouldn’t say so much that we allow friends to determine who else we associate so much as I’d suggest we be aware, as you stated, of their input and make an informed decision. In this last year, I cut ties to someone that engaged me regularly, but I found it was linked to them stalking my wall to see if they could figure out what someone they had an “intense interest in” was talking to me about based on the bits and pieces of comments they could see. For me, that was creepy and as soon as I knew, that was the end of the “friendship”. Others don’t seem to care. We’re looking to see, more or less, why someone wouldn’t care in situations like that and how they feel about being connected to people known to do such things.
Thanks a lot for your input Harold!
Most of my online friend until recently joining EA have been from twitter who follow me for my website (I won’t plug it) which deals with diabetes. I have gotten to know then through post made and received about this subject. I have talked to a few on the phone and through Skype and seem like old friends I am not after gaining best buddies but friends with a similar interest in diabetes. It’s a killer after all!
We aren’t saying don’t connect to new people or that relationships made online cannot thrive, what we are looking at is why there are some people who choose to ignore behavior that is harmful, in one way or another, towards others. As we say, if you wouldn’t meet someone for a cup of coffee because they have a reputation for putting people in situations of emotional distress or they are bullies, why would you be connected to them online – particularly if they have done something like that to someone you know,
Thanks for your input!
Excellent article, Amanda!
I remember a guy I would have befriended IRL and did so online. It went on for 2-3 month and we had good fun. And suddenly he turned rogue and started bombarding me with ads ad stuff I asked him not to do.
People are not bad apples all the time. People change, some quickly, some slowly.
Although I do myself, I strugle to put people into the bad apple box forever. I try to see “bad appeling” as a moment in time…
Not everyone is bad all the time – we all have our moments – including me. We’re not so much concerned with differences of opinion or spammers etc… as we are why people would choose to associate with and effectively endorse stalkers, bullies, etc,,, by publicly friending them.
Thanks for stopping by George!
Sometimes the abuse just has to stop – but it’s very difficult when friends are still associating with those who have emotionally abused you. I’ve lost friends in very horrific and traumatizing ways and I must admit it still hurts that they remain friends with people in my social media circles. I kept quiet about why our friendships ceased because I didn’t want it to ruin their friendships with our mutual friends. It’s like a breakup; it’s difficult putting people in a position to choose sides. So instead I just block so they don’t participate in my online world.
There are a handful of occasions – most recently yesterday – when I’ve had to cut people off for refusing to respect my emotional boundaries – or for using every opportunity they had to personally attack me for something I’ve written. I’ve gotten out of hand a time or two and I appreciate being called to task for it, because I’m in this world to better myself and do the right thing. It’s the people who refuse to apologize or who make excuses (I was tired/drunk/bad day at work) for whom I have no patience. I could write entire posts from your stuff!